Personal goals

A bit about me - and why I started this blog. My name is Suki, and I'm 19 years old. There are a lot of things I love about life. My friends, art, music, good literature, my cats, and occasionally vodka...! Unfortunately, however, life hasn't always been easy for me growing up. My parents had a very unhappy marriage, and as I grew older, my father would become volatile and violent towards me, often emotionally but occasionally physically, too. I remember my head being shoved under the shower, my belongings being chucked down the stairs, and doors slammed in my face - amongst all the shouting, swearing and verbal bullying that would come along with it. My mother and father finally separated when I was 16, but by then the damage had been done. I've been starving, bingeing, over-exercising, laxative-abusing, and weight-obsessing periodically ever since I was 12. I went on my first diet when I was 9 - it was a low-carb diet, advocated by my parents, who thought it might be a good way for me to shift my 'puppy fat'.

Finally, I hit rock bottom when I was 17. My best friend at the time was also going through an eating disorder, and we brought out the worst in each other. We'd starve for weeks straight subsisting on soda crackers, cup-a-soup and fat-free marshmallows, then pick a day to binge on. Our binges would usually involve racking up a large bill visiting three different food stores, ordering pizza, and stocking up on every single sugary, fattening thing you can imagine - then bringing this all back to her apartment and stuffing our faces until we thought we were going to die from the pain. She purged, however I would instead take up to 10 laxatives (not a glamorous alternative) and fast for days afterwards on diet coke, 0 cal pickles, and egg whites. I took up smoking to keep my weight down (something I regret doing to this day, as I'm now a full-time smoker) and became utterly obsessed with finding new tricks or shortcuts to drop the pounds.

This year-long stint with disordered and self-destructive behaviour landed me in the hospital in February 2012. My immune system crashed, and I was unable to fight off the acute tonsillitis and glandular fever I'd acquired during Christmas break. I developed two reactive blood disorders, which to this day effect my body's ability to heal itself properly. My friend vanished from my life, and I never heard from her again. That was the pinnacle of my eating disorder, and when I returned home from hospital, I swore to myself I would never put my body through that kind of trauma again. However, by the summer holidays, the minute high school was finally over, I was already engaging in my bulimic behaviours again as a way to combat the aftermath of my parents' divorce. My whole family had been ripped apart; my mother was severely depressed, my younger sister was off the rails and living with my dad, who had recently had a baby with his new partner. In addition to this, I was to take a year out before attending university, as my bad health was too much of a risk to me at that point, and doctors said college would 'tip me over the edge'. They were right, but all of this made life seem scary and lonely and bewildering, and I turned to my eating disorder as a method of coping.

Finally, in the autumn of 2012, I decided to channel my energies into becoming healthy again. I discovered vegetarianism, green smoothies, 'clean eating', superfoods, and exercise. It all made sense to me... I was maintaining a normal weight, finally over my bingeing phase and brief summer fling with alcoholism, and seemingly 'happy'. All sounds good, right? I guess I didn't figure how lonely I'd be when all my friends from school went off to university, and began their own lives, while mine somehow stagnated. By the end of 2012 I was back on the comfort eating train. Over the holidays my dad took us to New York, during which I felt mostly useless, fat, or sluggish in some way. When I returned home after the holiday, I saw how much weight I'd gained, and freaked out. But instead of doing something about it, I buried my head in the sand and continued to eat away my pain. A bout of bad things happened in January, including my dad moving abroad permanently and severing me financially. I ended up on prozac following what I remember as a mental breakdown.

The prozac made me gain even more weight, but I didn't care, because my emotions seemed to be blanketed by the medication. It helped me get a grip on things for a while - I joined a gym in an effort to be more active, and I started hunting for a part time job in order to earn some money. Eventually I came off anti-depressants altogether, and I did feel better for a while. Until my negative emotions returned, and I suddenly realised I'd gained 20 lbs in a year.

Ever since that awful moment of realisation, I haven't been able to look at myself in the same way. I've become obsessed with calories and numbers again. My bathroom scales have come back out of their place in the back of my closet. And I'm more desperate than ever to get that weight off me, and return to my 'skinny self'. I know that under this layer of fat, that's who I am. And I'm not going to stop until I get there.

So I created this blog as a sanctuary for myself, and for others going through the same thing. It's a judgement-free zone in which I can express my feelings and distract myself when I'm feeling down, or useless (which, at the moment, is often). I do not consider this a pro-ana, pro-mia blog at all. I do not take eating disorders lightly, having struggled with one since the tender age of 12. And I am certainly not advocating that anyone without an ED use this site to 'shift a few lbs'. There are far healthier ways out there to do it, that don't involve the torment that goes hand-in-hand with EDs. If you are looking to lose weight for health reasons or simply becoming fitter, I recommend you research clean eating, or view the 'fitspo' tag on Tumblr. There are hundreds of resources out there for you to use in the right way, so if you're not already a sufferer, please don't try to develop an ED as a quick way to become skinny. Anorexia and bulimia are mental disorders, not a fad you can start one day and drop the next. Please be respectful of this, and make the right choice to step away from this blog.

Well, with that all out of the way, I will state my stats, and what my goals are for the next few months.

I'm 5'9
I weigh 156 lbs.

I want to weigh 126, which means a 30 lb weight loss.
I aim to do this through a combination of exercise, and methods/techniques I'll share in my blog posts.
Because I've been out of the restricting loop for a good six months, I'll be easing into it gently so I'm not inclined to give up and binge from the get go.

Wish me luck!

Peace, love and skinny
-Suki <3