Food log - 13/05

Today has turned out to be a little... strange. It's 4pm and I'm still exhausted after yesterday. Guess it'll be a while until I build myself up to full Buffy stamina :P

I've had a slob day, and I'm not proud of it. I lost a pound after yesterday, so I'm down to 155. It isn't much but it's a start. Maybe it's because I worked so hard yesterday but my stomach has been constantly crying out for food. So far today has been a total carb-fest:

11am - had my usual bowl of cereal and banana

1pm - felt hungry again so ate a pain au chocolat in bed :/

3pm - was offered half of my sister's cheese twist - more pastry agghh, and I wolfed it down without even thinking!

See what I mean? CARBS CARBS CARBS... now I'm just sipping on a diet coke. I cannot eat anything else today - it's my friend's birthday dinner tonight and I need to leave room! I'll get a salad or something, and just stick to ONE glass of champagne. Being drunk is neither classy nor good for the figure.

I haven't done any exercise either. I'm going to try to fit in an hour of walking today before I go out.

Peace, love and skinny
-Suki <3

Food log - 12/05

So I'm starting my version of the Buffy diet today :) I had a pretty early start as I began my new job this morning, I'm working in my local coffee shop! I've put what I ate in red and the exercise I did in blue.

8am - ran all the way to work because I woke up late. breakfast was a small bowl of healthy cereal with skim milk and a banana. I also had an iced cappuccino when I got there

9-11am - shift at the café, on my feet and rushing around/lifting things for the majority of those 2 hrs. Afterwards I got a skinny latte on the house!

12.20pm - early lunch - wholegrain muffin, a fat free strawberry yogurt and a diet coke 

1pm - snack was gum and water and some chocolate :/ oops

2.45-11.30pm - longest waitressing shift of my life. It was for a big event so there was much rushing, preparing tables, wine waiting, and serving food to do. Hopefully I burned some calories! We only got a short break so I had some more gum, a mozzarella & tomato salad sandwich and 2 packets of crisps... totally regret the crisps but I was starving at the time 

12pm - Power-walked home because it was cold and dark...

Today could have been better (no crisps or chocolate), but I'm gonna get there eventually :)
Bring on day 2!

Peace, love and skinny

-Suki <3

The Buffy Diet

This is a diet of my own creation based off of my favourite TV show, Buffy The Vampire Slayer :) I know Buffy is a fictional character, but by trying to mimic the way she eats on the show, you could be rocking a slayer bod in no time :)

Buffy has a lot on her mind... college, friends, usually an intense relationship on the go, and of course her daily slaying duties. She doesn't seem to eat on a schedule, and the majority of her day is spent rushing around either attending class, studying, dealing with drama or chasing vamps through graveyards.

Breakfast: Buffy's an all-American kind of gal... which means breakfast choices like oatmeal, cereal with a banana, a bagel with PB, waffles or even pancakes. The trick is, she probably never finishes breakfast. She might get half way through a glass of OJ and a few bites of a bagel, then suddenly remember something she has to do and rush off. Tip: half of breakfast will suffice - after all, there are more important things to be doing than sitting around eating a bunch of carbs!

Snacking: Buffy doesn't really snack, but when she does, she goes for gum, an apple, or herbal tea during studying.

Lunch: On the show she seems to favour choices such as strawberry yogurt, soda, jell-o, muffins, sandwiches, coffee... things you can pick up on the go or at the cafeteria. Lunch is usually the longest meal of the day for Buffy. She finally takes a break from her hectic lifestyle and spends a half hour or so talking with her best friend, Willow.

After school training: At the end of her working day, Buffy usually blows off some steam by hitting the gym, kickboxing, doing crunches, and practicing her coordination skills. If you're lucky enough have a gym membership, try letting out some pent-up stress on the treadmill, or, even better, the punching bag. A gym/running buddy is even better! That way you can't slack :)

Buffy is also known to sip on a Snapple juice drink after training to rehydrate.

Dinner: By dinner time, Buffy's usually off dealing with some kind of family/friends/demon-related drama. But we do see her eat things like leftover pizza, handfuls of popcorn, and occasionally a home-cooked meal in the evenings. My guess is that she grabs whatever's on the go, because after dinner, follows...

Slayer duties: Here's the fun part of the plan. Buffy patrols every night, without exception. Obviously if you're a regular girl living in a regular neighbourhood, slaying vampires isn't exactly an option. But brisk evening walks in a safe area (and preferably with a friend!) are definitely on the menu. Walk with purpose, and keep your wits about you! If you can intersperse a few minutes of running every so often, even better. Buffy patrols are a bit like HIIT sessions - a bit of walking, running, jumping and everything in between.

During high school, Buffy enjoyed the occasional night at the Bronze, a music venue that played indie teen music and served drinks like cherry-and-cola. She'd blow off steam by dancing the night away, always loving being the centre of attention. At college, however, Buffy preferred a late-night mocha with Willow and Xander to the crazy party lifestyle.

Other: Buffy is also seen working part-time jobs like waitressing at a diner, and being a hamburger-tosser at a fast food joint. Waitressing in a restaurant or coffee shop is one of the best ways to fit exercise into your schedule: you're on your feet constantly, you usually have restricted access to food on shifts, and not to mention, running around waiting on tables makes you sweat like there's no tomorrow. In combination with patrolling, training, and a hectic school schedule, the pounds will drop off without you even noticing.

So there you have it - a full guide to getting a kick-ass bod like Buffy. It isn't a strict meal plan, so much as a way of eating and training that will keep you from getting bored and slipping up.

Peace, love and skinny
-Suki <3

The Five Food Groups Diet

The five food groups diet is a good way to get around anxieties about lacking in nutrients during restricting. The concept is that you allow yourself 5 small meals a day, each one from a different food group so you don't miss out on anything. Eg:

Meal 1: CARBOHYDRATES
idea: bowl of oatmeal with splenda + cinnamon for 100 calories
idea: 2 slices reduced-calorie toast, dry for 100 calories
Meal 2: PROTEIN
idea: hard-boiled egg with ketchup/salt for 95 calories
idea: 3 large slices of ham or turkey for 70 calories
Meal 3: FRUIT
idea: 1 large banana for 120 calories
idea: 2 medium-sized apples for 120 calories
Meal 4: DAIRY
idea: non-fat yogurt for 80 calories
idea: string cheese for 65 calories
Meal 5: VEGETABLES 
idea: baby spinach and tomato salad with fat free dressing for 90 calories
idea: vegetable stirfry with light soy sauce for 100 calories

Calories: 445-495 

Peace, love and skinny
-Suki <3

The Baby Food Diet

Baby food is a good way to kickstart weight loss. You can buy small portions of food that are low-calorie and nutrient-dense, and usually inexpensive. Whenever I'm looking for a snack to tide me over that's healthy but portioned, I go for baby food. Here's the plan I used when I tried it.

Breakfast: 1 tub baby banana porridge - 75 cals
Snack: 4 baby biscotti, apple flavour - 64 cals
Lunch: 1 pouch broccoli, pears and peas - 61 cals
Snack: Baby date and banana fruit bar - 46 cals
Dinner: Organix "mighty meals" spinach falafel - 144 cals

Total: 390 cals

Peace, love and skinny
-Suki <3

Personal goals

A bit about me - and why I started this blog. My name is Suki, and I'm 19 years old. There are a lot of things I love about life. My friends, art, music, good literature, my cats, and occasionally vodka...! Unfortunately, however, life hasn't always been easy for me growing up. My parents had a very unhappy marriage, and as I grew older, my father would become volatile and violent towards me, often emotionally but occasionally physically, too. I remember my head being shoved under the shower, my belongings being chucked down the stairs, and doors slammed in my face - amongst all the shouting, swearing and verbal bullying that would come along with it. My mother and father finally separated when I was 16, but by then the damage had been done. I've been starving, bingeing, over-exercising, laxative-abusing, and weight-obsessing periodically ever since I was 12. I went on my first diet when I was 9 - it was a low-carb diet, advocated by my parents, who thought it might be a good way for me to shift my 'puppy fat'.

Finally, I hit rock bottom when I was 17. My best friend at the time was also going through an eating disorder, and we brought out the worst in each other. We'd starve for weeks straight subsisting on soda crackers, cup-a-soup and fat-free marshmallows, then pick a day to binge on. Our binges would usually involve racking up a large bill visiting three different food stores, ordering pizza, and stocking up on every single sugary, fattening thing you can imagine - then bringing this all back to her apartment and stuffing our faces until we thought we were going to die from the pain. She purged, however I would instead take up to 10 laxatives (not a glamorous alternative) and fast for days afterwards on diet coke, 0 cal pickles, and egg whites. I took up smoking to keep my weight down (something I regret doing to this day, as I'm now a full-time smoker) and became utterly obsessed with finding new tricks or shortcuts to drop the pounds.

This year-long stint with disordered and self-destructive behaviour landed me in the hospital in February 2012. My immune system crashed, and I was unable to fight off the acute tonsillitis and glandular fever I'd acquired during Christmas break. I developed two reactive blood disorders, which to this day effect my body's ability to heal itself properly. My friend vanished from my life, and I never heard from her again. That was the pinnacle of my eating disorder, and when I returned home from hospital, I swore to myself I would never put my body through that kind of trauma again. However, by the summer holidays, the minute high school was finally over, I was already engaging in my bulimic behaviours again as a way to combat the aftermath of my parents' divorce. My whole family had been ripped apart; my mother was severely depressed, my younger sister was off the rails and living with my dad, who had recently had a baby with his new partner. In addition to this, I was to take a year out before attending university, as my bad health was too much of a risk to me at that point, and doctors said college would 'tip me over the edge'. They were right, but all of this made life seem scary and lonely and bewildering, and I turned to my eating disorder as a method of coping.

Finally, in the autumn of 2012, I decided to channel my energies into becoming healthy again. I discovered vegetarianism, green smoothies, 'clean eating', superfoods, and exercise. It all made sense to me... I was maintaining a normal weight, finally over my bingeing phase and brief summer fling with alcoholism, and seemingly 'happy'. All sounds good, right? I guess I didn't figure how lonely I'd be when all my friends from school went off to university, and began their own lives, while mine somehow stagnated. By the end of 2012 I was back on the comfort eating train. Over the holidays my dad took us to New York, during which I felt mostly useless, fat, or sluggish in some way. When I returned home after the holiday, I saw how much weight I'd gained, and freaked out. But instead of doing something about it, I buried my head in the sand and continued to eat away my pain. A bout of bad things happened in January, including my dad moving abroad permanently and severing me financially. I ended up on prozac following what I remember as a mental breakdown.

The prozac made me gain even more weight, but I didn't care, because my emotions seemed to be blanketed by the medication. It helped me get a grip on things for a while - I joined a gym in an effort to be more active, and I started hunting for a part time job in order to earn some money. Eventually I came off anti-depressants altogether, and I did feel better for a while. Until my negative emotions returned, and I suddenly realised I'd gained 20 lbs in a year.

Ever since that awful moment of realisation, I haven't been able to look at myself in the same way. I've become obsessed with calories and numbers again. My bathroom scales have come back out of their place in the back of my closet. And I'm more desperate than ever to get that weight off me, and return to my 'skinny self'. I know that under this layer of fat, that's who I am. And I'm not going to stop until I get there.

So I created this blog as a sanctuary for myself, and for others going through the same thing. It's a judgement-free zone in which I can express my feelings and distract myself when I'm feeling down, or useless (which, at the moment, is often). I do not consider this a pro-ana, pro-mia blog at all. I do not take eating disorders lightly, having struggled with one since the tender age of 12. And I am certainly not advocating that anyone without an ED use this site to 'shift a few lbs'. There are far healthier ways out there to do it, that don't involve the torment that goes hand-in-hand with EDs. If you are looking to lose weight for health reasons or simply becoming fitter, I recommend you research clean eating, or view the 'fitspo' tag on Tumblr. There are hundreds of resources out there for you to use in the right way, so if you're not already a sufferer, please don't try to develop an ED as a quick way to become skinny. Anorexia and bulimia are mental disorders, not a fad you can start one day and drop the next. Please be respectful of this, and make the right choice to step away from this blog.

Well, with that all out of the way, I will state my stats, and what my goals are for the next few months.

I'm 5'9
I weigh 156 lbs.

I want to weigh 126, which means a 30 lb weight loss.
I aim to do this through a combination of exercise, and methods/techniques I'll share in my blog posts.
Because I've been out of the restricting loop for a good six months, I'll be easing into it gently so I'm not inclined to give up and binge from the get go.

Wish me luck!

Peace, love and skinny
-Suki <3

The Frugal College Student Diet

So being a student can be tough... the huge workload, the loom of gaining the infamous 'Freshman Fifteen', and usually money's tight. Luckily this can often make dieting easier, rather than harder, as long as you avoid those tempting microwaveable pasta meals... just kidding. Who wants to eat that crap anyway!?

Breakfast: A good choice is fat free yogurt, or oatmeal, because they contain protein which = feeling fuller for longer during morning lectures, but without those nasty calories from fat. If you buy in packs of 4 or 6 yoghurts you save money too! Another good choice is a hard-boiled egg with a packet salt or ketchup, and a juice box :) 

Lunch: You're probably depleting in energy after having your soul sucked in Psych 101... you definitely need coffee. Free coffee from the cafeteria or bought by a friend is a bonus, but most places on campus shouldn't sell coffee for more than a couple of pounds/dollars. Have yours black or with a dash of skim milk, sweetener if you like (I collect the free packets from coffee stores so I don't have to buy my own) and enjoy with a friend, an apple, or a textbook!

Afternoon snack: By around 3pm you should be coming down from the caffeine buzz but fear not, this is the time to eat some actual food. If you have time to go back to your dorm/kitchen in between or after class, grab these simple ingredients: 2 slices low-cal granary bread, 2 slices fat-free cheese, some lettuce leaves, pickles/ham/turkey if you like... assemble and voila! A sandwich for <250 calories if you make it without mayo or butter. I also like hot sauce in my sandwiches :) Speeds up the metabolism and gives it a bit of flavour without adding cals. Munch on this with a diet soda or bubbly water to give you that full feeling until dinner. 

Dinner: If you eat in the dorm, you can get away with something simple like carrot sticks and mustard (a favourite of Marya Hornbacher) - however, eating with friends or roommates might be a little more tricky. Soup is a classic - it's cheap, filling and nutritious, and looks like a substantial meal. Another super cheap/healthy option is lentils. I could eat lentils all day. A bit of salt and pepper to taste and you're good to go :) 

Evening: If at 10pm you find yourself riding the munchies wave again, make a cup of herbal tea - peppermint I'd recommend as it's good for the digestion process, and doesn't contain caffeine. If you're one of those people who likes to stay up and study for a while before they sleep, or simply a night owl, grab a textbook, a bottle of water and your iPod and hit the exercise bike. Most college gyms stay open late, and it's a great way to focus & burn some cals until you feel like sleeping. Walks around campus can be chilly during the winter but if it's warm outside, consider a late-night stroll. Crunches might also do the trick! I do 250 each night before bed. 

I hope that gave you a little motivation to kick the freshman 15, or avoid them altogether! The trick is to go for low fat/fat free/light options where possible, buy in bulk, use caffeine to your advantage, and exercise/study when you feel restless or bored (instead of reaching for that big bag of chips). Don't forget that thinking burns calories too - if it's the focused kind, that is! 

Peace, love and skinny

-Suki <3 

Lesson 1: Distractions

One of the most effective ways to beat the desire to binge is to distract yourself by watching something. I normally have a list of TV shows or movies I go to when I'm in the 'binge mindset':

A Secret Between Friends (aka When Friendship Kills)
A film about two best friends who share an eating disorder; one gets help but the other is unwilling to change. The movie deals with both anorexia and bulimia.
Even though this is an 'old' film, it's really engaging and will change your mind on deciding to binge eat.
Thin 
A documentary that follows a group of young adults suffering from anorexia and bulimia as they receive treatment at an American inpatient eating disorders facility.
Perfect Body 
This film focuses on a gymnast, Andie, who succumbs to the pressure of extreme dieting to achieve the 'ideal body' dictated by her discipline. Deals with both anorexia and bulimia.
Hunger Point 
A film about two sisters, one of whom suffers from depression and bulimia, the other of whom is permanently under the scrutiny of her diet-obsessed mother. A large portion of the movie takes place in a psychiatric unit. The film mostly deals with the implications for the family when their youngest daughter hits rock bottom.
For the Love of Nancy 
An ordinary girl with growing insecurities about college, turns to anorectic behaviour as a way of regressing and gaining the attention of her pressurizing mother.
Felicity 
This show has nothing to do with EDs, but Keri Russell is one of the best thinspo's out there... the series also deals with a lot of young adult issues, such as attending college, relationship dramas, coming of age, rape, addiction to name a few.
Ciao! Manhattan 
Made in the 70s, this film stars Edie Sedgwick who portrays herself in the role of Susan. Edie is one of my biggest thinspirations, and watching her always takes my mind off food. During the flashbacks of her time in New York, addicted to meth-amphetamines and also suffering from bulimia, she weighed 90 lbs at 5'5.

There a lot of ED movies I missed out, but this is just my personal list of things that inspire or engage me when I'm struggling myself. I'd recommend googling other movies if you get stuck; there are a ton of them out there!

Peace, love and skinny
-Suki <3